Evolving Simplicity

It's been a weird kind of year.  I feel as though I'm moving backwards in a way... instead of craving the secure trappings of middle-class wealth and the milestones, by which many others my age use to gauge their success and happiness... I find I want a life that is smaller, more simple and "less."  I've grappled for years, trying to accumulate the things that I thought would bring satisfaction - my own home, a cute car, the latest gizmos and trinkets. 

But, if anything, instead of cementing a sense of accomplishment and pleasure - I feel dissatisfied, bloated and lacking.

What does bring me pleasure?  Simple things that can't be bought.  Experiences that can't be monetarily valued.  Items that no one else sees "wealth" in, but me... The color of the oaks and maples as they fall to the wet, Pacific Northwest roads.  The lazy stretch of well-loved cat.  The smell of the soup on the stove.  Walking hand-in-hand with the person I love.

 Sunlight coloring a misty rainy morning.  The warmth of woolen mittens made by me.  Planning what kinds of hand-made gifts we'll make for the holidays.

I've battled the Demons of Depression and Self-Doubt almost constantly for the last year.  My health is deteriorating, as happens with any chronic condition - it's not unexpected, but it is demoralizing.  I've been distinctly unhappy with myself, my surroundings, and things & people outside of my control.  There's truth of the "Law of Attraction" -- like attracts like... darkness welcomes darkness.

Always the voracious reader, my literary adventures have lead me (more than once) toward the common themes of Simplicity and Simple Living.  Each article wrings sighs of hope and want from me.  I dream of quiet spaces, free of distractions and disharmony.  I crave the peaceful absence of civilized clutter and discordant noise.

The signs have been there... becoming more clear every day.  I *see* what is required to restore the balance that is so painfully lacking in my life.  In order to achieve MORE happiness and satisfaction, I must must have LESS spiritually nutrition-less "stuff" taking up so much space and care in my existence.  

I've read the books, the stories, the testimonials... they've rang true to what I think I've *known* for a long time.  I just have to concoct a plan of attack - a plan to take back my life.  

I need to put myself back in charge of deciding what's important, versus allowing things to tell me what is important and worthwhile.  I need to purge out the oily excess that darkens my vision, and obscures those things that have true worth.  I need to ruthlessly expel those unnecessary objects that litter my path to happiness - tripping me at every turn, and stubbing my toes as I bumble about in the murky shadows.

It's overwhelming.  But - like every big job, you have to pick a corner and start... moving forward, one step at a time.  Sometimes, getting pushed back, I'll have to stop for a moment and regroup.  I must stay true to my vision... 

I've spent half of my life trying to be and do what I *THOUGHT* I was supposed to... those things that were supposed to assure me happiness and security.  The second half of my life lies before me... this time, I'm doing what I *KNOW* I must do... those things that WILL care for me physically, nurture me emotionally, challenge me mentally, and feed me spiritually.