It's a Matter of Perspective

Today is a national holiday.  It's 7 am, and everyone, but the cat and me, is asleep.  I'm not up to cook or fold napkins into clever, fabric turkeys... I'm fighting chronic pain and insomnia, as usual.

I've never been one of those people who enjoys coordinating elaborate family events (such as Thanksgiving Dinner).  I did it once and hated the entire operation.  Don't get me wrong -- I LOVE gathering with a smallish group (5 to 20 people) for a day of casual togetherness and lots of tasty food.  I value these relationships beyond measure, as I have come to appreciate each and every person as a unique individual, who brings something special to my life that no other person possesses or can share.  Being the talented and esteemed coordinator, however, holds absolutely NO interest for me... I would rather be one of the appreciative and awed audience

This year, I'll spend the day with my husband and son, my mother and stepfather, and one of my brothers.  That's it.  Six of us.  My daughter and grandson live on the southeast side of the country - they're spending today with her father and his family.  My father and stepmother, and my other brother and his family equally far way, but in a different direction.  In an ideal world, everyone would be close enough to hug today... I have, however, come to accept that things change, families expand, and I have no control over much of the universe.  I wish my absent loved ones were nearer... I am content that they are in my heart today and every day.

I'm not a person who fits within the dogma or practices of a particular religion or ethic group.  I'm your garden-variety American of German, English, Swedish, and Irish descent (or that's what I've discovered so far, at least), and can trace my family's history on this continent to a time before the original Thanksgiving.  I have pale skin with freckles, olive green eyes and used to be a brunette with lots of  fiery highlights.  I've been married nearly 20 years (second time's a charm!), I am the mother of two, and Oma of one.  I work a full-time job, and I pay taxes to support my community.  I'm not wealthy (by any stretch of the imagination), but I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and love in my heart.

Thanksgiving is a rather contentious holiday, due to the political climate and differing perspectives about it's origins and societal  implications.  For me personally, today isn't about politics, or religion, or race.  Today is about savoring and appreciating the companionship of the people I am fortunate enough to have near by, and reflecting upon and being grateful for unconditional love of the ones who are elsewhere... in both space and time.  That's it.  It all boils down to people -- biological and chosen family, and precious friends who are the brothers and sisters of my heart.  I am deeply and profoundly filled with gratitude for each and every one of them.

365 Opportunities

I'm not a big RESOLUTION person... generally, they're something to avoid on New Year's Day.  BUT... here I am a cross-road in my life.  Actively (and perhaps a bit frantically) trying to corral elusive clarity and nurture the fabled peace of "Simple Life."

November 1st is considered the Celtic New Year - and, as the traditional (i.e. American) New Year has historically been less than "successful" as a Change Catalyst in my life... I'm going to go for what worked for my ancestors. So, this New Year I'm going to... *drum roll please*... enrich my life 365 times, by reducing my possessions step-by-step, day-by-day, item-by-item for 365 days.

The idea is hardly original to me - no, all credit (at least in my case) goes to "365 Less Things" (http://www.365lessthings.com).  It's brilliant in it's (dare I say it??)... simplicity.  Beginning November 1st, I will select one item of my personal possessions and give it away every day for a year.  That means something of value - not broken, or ugly, or bound for the White Elephant event.  No... an item of beauty or usefulness or insight.  Something I valued at one time, but that no longer has an active use or place in my (diminishing) environment.

I'll take a picture and post it on my Facebook page - giving family and friends "first dibs" on the goodies destined for re-homing.  If someone wants it, all I'll ask for is the postage to get it from my door to theirs.  If, after 7 days, no one claims a particular memento of where and who I've been in past days - it will go to a local charity (on my way to the office), so that whatever specialness originally drew me to that particular item -- can enrich someone else's Here and Now.

A year is a long time, but I'm more than confident my many years of collecting (and hoarding) and trying to find happiness in *things* will sustain my efforts.  Not only that - but as these are only going to be items that I consider having value... those things that ARE broken, or ugly, or bound for the White Elephant event will leave too... under the guise of de-cluttering, simplifying, minimizing and re-prioritizing my life and the *things* that have earned a place in it.

It's scary - evaluating and letting go of things that used to define me (or at least I thought they did, at one point).  I've heard "the process" of simplifying gets easier as you go... I hope so.  I've spent a lifetime accumulating *things* to give myself a sense of security, an  illusion of success, the
trappings of "living."  As I look around my living room, memories flood back with the how's and who's and where's and why's.  Each item has a story and a reason for being in my life -- how do I choose what needs to move on?

I have a few days until this exercise begins.  I'm going to spend it carefully assessing the things I love that surround me... and decide which items will assist me in upcoming adventures, and those that will bring new pleasure to someone else.

My Goals for Today

It's Friday... today's goal is to continue to reach for happiness and fulfillment.  I will hold my dreams gently in my hands, and doggedly pursue the path between here and there.  I will treat others as I would treat myself - with compassion and patience, while maintaining a firm stance.  I will embrace and celebrate each small victory and step forward.  I will briefly mourn, and then study and learn from each set back.  Today's challenges are the cogs of progress... I will not struggle against them.  Instead, each slippery stone will be carefully examined and conquered, as I shorten the distance between now and then.  

Today will be fully experienced, so Tomorrow can be joyfully lived.

Evolving Simplicity

It's been a weird kind of year.  I feel as though I'm moving backwards in a way... instead of craving the secure trappings of middle-class wealth and the milestones, by which many others my age use to gauge their success and happiness... I find I want a life that is smaller, more simple and "less."  I've grappled for years, trying to accumulate the things that I thought would bring satisfaction - my own home, a cute car, the latest gizmos and trinkets. 

But, if anything, instead of cementing a sense of accomplishment and pleasure - I feel dissatisfied, bloated and lacking.

What does bring me pleasure?  Simple things that can't be bought.  Experiences that can't be monetarily valued.  Items that no one else sees "wealth" in, but me... The color of the oaks and maples as they fall to the wet, Pacific Northwest roads.  The lazy stretch of well-loved cat.  The smell of the soup on the stove.  Walking hand-in-hand with the person I love.

 Sunlight coloring a misty rainy morning.  The warmth of woolen mittens made by me.  Planning what kinds of hand-made gifts we'll make for the holidays.

I've battled the Demons of Depression and Self-Doubt almost constantly for the last year.  My health is deteriorating, as happens with any chronic condition - it's not unexpected, but it is demoralizing.  I've been distinctly unhappy with myself, my surroundings, and things & people outside of my control.  There's truth of the "Law of Attraction" -- like attracts like... darkness welcomes darkness.

Always the voracious reader, my literary adventures have lead me (more than once) toward the common themes of Simplicity and Simple Living.  Each article wrings sighs of hope and want from me.  I dream of quiet spaces, free of distractions and disharmony.  I crave the peaceful absence of civilized clutter and discordant noise.

The signs have been there... becoming more clear every day.  I *see* what is required to restore the balance that is so painfully lacking in my life.  In order to achieve MORE happiness and satisfaction, I must must have LESS spiritually nutrition-less "stuff" taking up so much space and care in my existence.  

I've read the books, the stories, the testimonials... they've rang true to what I think I've *known* for a long time.  I just have to concoct a plan of attack - a plan to take back my life.  

I need to put myself back in charge of deciding what's important, versus allowing things to tell me what is important and worthwhile.  I need to purge out the oily excess that darkens my vision, and obscures those things that have true worth.  I need to ruthlessly expel those unnecessary objects that litter my path to happiness - tripping me at every turn, and stubbing my toes as I bumble about in the murky shadows.

It's overwhelming.  But - like every big job, you have to pick a corner and start... moving forward, one step at a time.  Sometimes, getting pushed back, I'll have to stop for a moment and regroup.  I must stay true to my vision... 

I've spent half of my life trying to be and do what I *THOUGHT* I was supposed to... those things that were supposed to assure me happiness and security.  The second half of my life lies before me... this time, I'm doing what I *KNOW* I must do... those things that WILL care for me physically, nurture me emotionally, challenge me mentally, and feed me spiritually.

Early Morning Thoughts

It's early - before sunrise - on this first day of the New Year. It's very quiet... unusual, in this house, filled with furred & naked beasts. I do a lot of my thinking at this time of day. There are no children, or animals, or 'conveniences' of Life to distract me. Today, I sit in the soft, golden glow of the Christmas tree. I know it's only an illusion, but I can almost *feel* the subtle, warming heat from its electric haze. A colorful throws cover my legs. The older I get, the less tolerant of discomfort I become... my fully-grown "kitten" and nearly 2 year old "puppy" are curled at my knee and ankle - together, we find comfort & warmth. In a few, short hours, the sun will rise and the process known as life will pick up a little speed. Dogs will want to be fed, coffee will need to be made and good intentioned tasks must be tackled. In two, short weeks, my household will be complete (as it will ever be at this point) again. My youngest child will find his way home - after a winding & frequently perilous expedition. I cannot wait to welcome him with open arms, a joyous heart and a firm resolve. I sit here.. thankful for my blessings and looking towaard the future with hope. Happy New Year.

Crowning Glory

People regularly ask me about my (very) gray/silver hair and comment on how I seem young to have so much... I've been called "brave" for not coloring my hair and am looked upon as something of an oddity because at 44, I so little pigment left in my natural hair.  I stopped dying my hair more than a year ago now... it was a combination of changing priorities, new life expectations and (quite honestly) laziness.  Bravery had nothing to do with it.  I started "turning" when I was 23.  I really enjoyed my years as a redhead -- and being a ginger totally suited my lifestyle and world view... then.  Now, the return to a closer connection to my roots and the embracing of life, as it now & is becoming dictates my manner of outward appearance.  If you want to get down to it -- the dread locks are far, far, far braver than the gray hair... where I live and work, they are, anyway... I'm not a religious person, but I've actively sought that spiritual connection or spark that spoke to my soul.  I was born and (sort of) raised Catholic, I've studied and applied other monotheistic and more Earth-Centric and ancient forms of worship, and I've hung in that chasm between belief (of any sort) and disbelief.  I still don't have a name for what I believe... but I think I understand it a little better these days, and find comfort within its perimeters.  For lack of a better work, I refer to myself as a Deist.  A rational believer - embracing both science and the divine... and their interconnectedness. So... where does my hair play into all this?  It silver in honor of my emerging crone -- my third aspect of this life's journey.  My crone is more patient that those forms that came before, but she is also a little more selfish -- focusing on her own needs and wants for the very first time.  In my maiden form, I was energy and innocent guile and adventure and experimentation.  As a mother (which I haven't totally left yet), my need to nurture and protect outweighed any other drive.  As the (trying to become) Wise One... I plumb the depths of my own soul, what is truly important to "me" and finding that sense of deep spiritual peace that has eluded me thus far. The silver hair, and also the dreads are a departure of societal standards of beauty to that which I find beautiful, and whole and fulfilling.  The dread locks and their silver color embody a simpleness, a return to self... the inclusion of the hot pink, purple and turquoise blue extensions are my lingering maiden and need to not shun color, just for the sake of being "natural."  Make sense? Ultimately, I'm very, very happy with my silver-hued locks... to me, they feel right & express who I am at this very time during this specific journey.  Will they stay forever?  No, no likely - but, who knows?  I'm only half-way through this life... I'm a very different person than I was at half this age... I hope to be a more fully evolved and spiritually fulfilled person as my days progress. Love & Peace to all.

From the Heart

Times are hard all over... my home is no exception. For nearly three years, we've survived on one (not nearly large enough) paycheck. But, I remind myself frequently -- there are others with even less and who face far more dangerous circumstances everyday. This exercise not only reminds me to retain my humility, but also to nuture my humanity.

In honor of all my good luck... a roof over my head, good food in my belly, people who love & care for me... the only proper way to say thank you is to share with those who are not so lucky, or in some way selflessly contribute to the good of many. With this in mind, I'm going to regularly post links to charitable organizations or causes that I, myself, would participate in... That said, there are a bazillion (that's the technical term for "oodles") of worthwhile and worthy groups... so I'm going to (mostly) limit to those involving crochet or some other skill I possess...

Ironically -- my very first posting is for knitting... which I really don't do too much of -- but it really spoke to me.

Blankets For Deployed Daddies
(http://blanketsfordeployeddaddies.com/)

In a nutshell, volunteers knit blankets & send to deployed troops, who - in turn, sleep with these baby blankets to impart their own special Daddy scent to the blanket. The blanket is then sent home, so the baby can get to know Daddy...

This one hits close to my heart. My own grandson was welcomed into the world and straight into his Daddy's arms... for this, I am FOREVER grateful... as my son-in-law died 9 months later, as a result of injuries sustained in Afghanistan.

If you knit, and are looking for a way to share your own blessings, or to say thank you to a soldier & his family.... you may want to consider this opportunity.

Happy Spring!